Why Ninety Minutes is Way Too Much

Why are soccer tie-breakers called "penalty kicks" since they seem to have nothing to do with penalties? The only people being penalized, as far as I can tell, are the people who consume too much liquid during the game. The players are dehydrated, but the fans really need a bathroom break after two fifteen-minute overtime periods! Maybe that's why you hear about soccer riots. Thousands of desperate lady fans rush to the only women's restroom, to find the line is already way, way back past the beer, pretzel, and goofy hat stands.

I can't say from personal FIFA experience, but I was ready to riot a few times at the University of Nebraska's Memorial Stadium back in my Cornhusker football game days. My movements were too slowed by layers of long underwear, itchy wool sweaters, and parkas to create a much of a civil Charmin disturbance, though.

My son left me at home today in charge of the VCR for the World Cup quarterfinal games while he went forth to his gainful employment. I'm not really certified in VCR recording, but I was the only available live being. (I'm still trying to deal with the color contrast adjustments on my tv throughout World Cup games.) You took the S.A.T. with those analogies! Collagemama is to VCR as preschooler is to scissors.

And so, I am sad to report, the cassette ran out at the only critical point of the quarterfinal. I did not notice, since I was paying attention to the play. When my son returns from Jamba Juice he will settle on the couch to watch the game ... and then...YIKES! There hasn't been such a sports calamity since the Heidi NFL game of 1968! Hope they make lederhosen in my size, as I'll be hiding out in the Alps.

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