Showing posts with label telephones. Show all posts
Showing posts with label telephones. Show all posts

8/15/08

Donald Duck Goes to War

Donald Duck called my cell phone this morning just as I was getting to work. When I was a kid we used to put serious playground practice effort into talking like Donald Duck. Unfortunately, I neither speak nor understand Donaldese these days.

Donald Duck seemed to be in one of his 1942 war propaganda cartoon shorts (although Donald didn't wear shorts or pants even in wartime). He would quacker-quack, then there would be a huge roar. Finally, in a moment of clarity, I could understand my son. "Did you hear that fighter jet, Mom? It flew right over me! I'm standing by the lake."

Thank heaven Donald Danger Baby isn't in Iraq, Afghanistan, or even South Ossetia. He's on the shore of Lake Michigan for the 50th Annual Chicago Air and Water Show. Windy City and fighter jets don't make for a clear conversation.



© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

7/14/08

Peeps on a raft, a bus, or light rail

It isn't polite to eavesdrop, but there we all are riding mass transit to save gas money, and Peeps all around us are conducting their lives very loudly by cellphone. Last week I rode the train home from work with a rowdy group discussing their court-appointed lawyers, their Peeps, and their parties.

Sure, they weren't really talking about marshmallow Easter chick treats, but it did give me some funny images of Peeps in court, on the witness stand, in the jury box, and rising for objections. I even imagined a black-robed Supreme Peep Court.

Next train ride, I start imagining all the passengers as marshmallow chicks. I was trying hard not to appear too interested as the lady Peeps ahead of me told a series of escalating stories on the theme of husbands who lose stuff. The best story by far involved a husband losing his set of car keys when they were moving out of their house. The husband and wife Peeps searched everywhere in the house and yard, but to no avail. Six months later the new owners of the house found the car keys under the bin that catches the automatic ice-maker cubes in the freezer.

Excuse me, Peeps, but aren't you supposed to defrost and turn off the ice-maker when you move out? I'm probably crazy, but I don't think I could use the ice cubes automatically made during the tenure of the previous owner, except on a sprained ankle. Still, it's a new location to search for lost items.

When the next President is sworn in, don't you think the White House refrigerator/freezer should start fresh with an empty and clean ice-cube catcher? It would be a good time to replace the baking soda box for odor control, too! The next Prez should have Peeps who can see to this.

Rode the bus one morning with an agitated man cussing out someone for not having his Cadillac repaired and returned to him. I got the feeling the negligent person was a relative or in-law. I loved this line; "Do you think I go to work at 10:30 P.M., and fix Greyhounds all night so I can RIDE A *#@*%">* BUS HOME???!!!" This man really needs some Peep to return his personal vehicle in working order. He might need some soothing pink Peepto Bismal for his indigestion.

Peeps On a Raft is a microwave adventure celebrated annually at my former place of employment. Much like making Smores without the campfire, Peeps On a Raft requires graham crackers, Hershey bars, and marshmallow chicks. When you nuke a Peep sitting atop a cracker-and-Hersheys raft on the revolving surface of the microwave oven, the marshmallow chick expands and twirls in a most entertaining way, much like an orating Presidential candidate--or two.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

5/6/08

Irresistible force meets immovable alphabet?

"Could we play the rhyming game again? Can we make pig wig?," the preK student asks.

"Absolutely! That would be fun," I say, impressed that she considers our recent word-building endeavor a game. "What do we need?"

"The at bat hat book and the immobile alphabet," she says, and scurries off to find them.

There's a funny mental image. It must be wheelchair day at the double A baseball game! I'm putting on my rally cap for this at bat.

Her "immobile alphabet" is really the classic teaching movable alphabet. Maybe writer's block is just a bad case of immobilized alphabet...
"Can I play, too? I played yesterday!," a second girl asks. She's a bit older, and can think of sat fat rat. Of course she may join us.

Speaking of fat rats and immobile alphabets, my Cingular cellphone service recently changed to "AT&T Mobility". What a silly name! The word mobility doesn't inspire thoughts of untethered phoning freedom. It instantly conjures its opposite, immobility. Oh, great. I've got a cellphone that needs a ramp, and I'm paying how much a month?!

Back with the rhyming preK girls, we play the "game" with at, it, ox, ig, og, ug. I'm delighted when they put their consonant heads together to figure out twig. Sure, they have some ideas that don't make words. The best is vog. "You know, Ms. Nancy, vog, when you can't see anything!" That vould be a Transylvanian fog.


Why am I wearing my at bat hat rally cap on this voggy day? CollageMama is celebrating in the dugout on the twenty-first birthday of her youngest son. Pour that nice ice lime rhyme cooler of Gatorade on her head!

Put the rhyme in the coconut, shake it all up. Put the rhyme in the coconut, call the doctor, wake him up.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

5/3/08

Quail, driggle, enSkypeplopedia of knots


Rhyming words with the kindergartners is an enlightening exercise.

"Sun, fun, run, can you think of another word that rhymes?," I enquire.

"Quail", the student boldly avows.


Okay, but can you name these tools?

"Hammer, saw, clamp, screwdriver, driggle."

Driggle???

You know, for making holes.


Plugged in my headphones and made a leisurely call on Skype. Chatting away, I swiveled and skootched my wheely desk chair until I got the headphone cord completely wrapped around the chair wheel. Is Ma Bell in hell knotting macrame plant holders and cackling at life's complications since her breakdown? Will it take a driggle to get the cord untangled from the chair?

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

4/22/08

Way back in the Before Caller ID Time

Once upon a time there was a telephone world without voice mail, answering machines, or caller ID. It was a world similar to Jean Auel's Clan of the Cave Bear, but with a black rotary dial phone on the geologic kitchen wall. Ayla couldn't talk on the phone without all the Neanderthals eavesdropping on her conversations.


In Auel's sequel, The Valley of Horses, Ayla didn't much need a phone since she was completely ostracized from the Neanderthals. She still kept paying for her landline though, since it only cost about seven bucks a month for local service.


Eventually, Ayla learned to ride a Paleolithic horse and appreciate the freedom of a cordless phone. Plus, she was raising a cave lion in her home, so it was good that she could call 911 for medical emergencies.

Ayla had trouble deciding between that reality tv fan-fave, Jondalar, the sensitive Cro-Magnon guy, and Ranec, the talented old black & white movie channel mammoth hunter/artist, (the son of a flint-knapper). She was working overtime with her shaman mentor, Mamut, concocting herbal-enhanced inner self-guided tours. The Mammoth Hunters was a good book for Ayla to discover caller ID, answering machines, voice mail, and anonymous caller-blocking.


Nowadays, Ayla lives in the Valley of Duplicate Services. She is tired of paying AT&T and Verizon for the same services. She's still an excellent slingshot markswoman, and she's seriously disgruntled with the complex billing procedures and incomprehensible statements for each and every type of telephone service. She's still got that trained killer cave lion living at home, so don't make her angry.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

1/26/08

Technology peachick yelps

This week's art class project was about peacocks, continuing our bird unit. I needed a good, quick introduction to peafowl, which I found in the Plano Library. Colorful Peacocks, by Deborah Underwood, published by Lerner, was an excellent start, and the children retained the information. They especially liked learning the terms for the peafowl family--peacock, peahen, and peachick. Kids are kids, and they will forever like to snicker about bathroom words. The students were also impressed that a peacock grows its tailfeathers and becomes a grown-up at age three. I bet they get possession of the remote control, too.

My little students were born into a completely different technological world than their teachers. We have trouble rewinding the VHS tape about birds using the "universal remote". It's definitely a universe removed for me. If we handed the remote off to our college interns they'd have the video set instantly and tell us we were using an outdated media format.

In 1960 we went on a Colorado vacation and visited the Cheyenne Mountain Zoo. The strongest memory is of the peacocks hollering "yelp" as we walked among the animal cages. I was amazed that a bird so beautiful could have such an ugly call.

Wanting to share the call of the peacock with the kids, I went Googling. Finding peacock sounds online was easy. Getting one saved and burned on a cd was a struggle. Windows Media Player rejected my burning proposals on grounds of copyrighted materials. My cd player rejected my burnt offerings with no explanation. After an hour of effort, I had one peacock yelp burned on a cd that only played on a computer.

All over the world billions of people are legally and illegally downloading copyrighted music and videos. They do it as easily as I flick a light switch ... or dial the kitchen rotary phone!


© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

10/13/07

Arachnophobia and Other Fears

Spiders are cool. They pose for the camera in their designer outfits. They are so much more cooperative than flying insects in that regard. They are artists, too, or at least skilled craftsmen.

Sure, there are a few kinds of dangerous spiders. Texas has nine-hundred types of spiders (all of them working full time to fill my condo with cobwebs for that Miss Haversham wedding cake decor). Two or three of the types are dangerous to humans. It's always a good idea to shake out shoes and boots that have been sitting in the back of the closet or behind the garden door for months at a time.

The macro function on my hand-me-down camera has brought me up close with spiders, and I'm anxious to learn more about them. The more I learn, the more curious I'll become, and the more in awe.

Our teaching intern is arachnophobic, but she is getting bolder being exposed to our infectious enthusiasm for spiders. When she finally got to see a spider catch and wrap its prey in silk she was cheering like a sports fan. This is her spider in action:



Phobias are irrational and persistent fears that interfere with normal life, coupled with excessive avoidance behaviors. At times in my life I've been pretty irrational and afraid of making telephone calls, and of big cities. I somewhat jokingly called these fears phonophobia and metrophobia.

I still avoid making phone calls, but I can mostly function in regular society nowadays. There are many of us out there who would rather write than call. We have the ability to edit and also to control the speed of communication when we write. Some people are just afraid their fingers are too fat for the buttons on the cell phone, or more painfully, too fat for the rotary dial. I looked at the Reverse Index of Phobias, but didn't find "fat finger phobias".

"Metrophobia" seems to mean fear of poetry, which I don't have! Thank heaven there's hope for poetry-phobic folks if they use their fat fingers to dial the 1-800 number right now.

Maybe I had metropolitanophobia, BigApplophobia, or urbanophobia. Could have been a case of SMSAophobia (fear of U.S. Census Standard Metropolitan Statistical Areas). Anyway, I'm mostly over it.



Back at Eastridge Elementary I suffered from Neapolitanophobia. The possibility that three-flavored ice cream slices would be served at a birthday party filled me with dread. I knew I could eat the chocolate and vanilla, but was afraid I wouldn't like the strawberry. I was paralyzed by fear that the mom next door would yell at me for not eating the strawberry ice cream. I was creeped out knowing the whole thing would melt into one very ugly color of goo while I was worrying. I'm a grown-up now, and I can just eat the chocolate and vanilla if I want.

For most of my Wonder Years, I was truly, persistently, and irrationally afraid of moths. That is Mottephobia according to the Phobia Index. [You just thought Mottephobia was the fear of apple juice boxes!] Fortunately, the more I learned about moths, the less fearful I became.

I took these photos at the Elm Fork Nature Preserve in Carrollton today. I'm embarrassed to admit that when I saw them on my computer screen, my brain started playing an ancient recording of Glen Campbell singing "Wichita Lineman".





(Written by Jimmy Webb)

I am a lineman for the county and I drive the main road
Searchin' in the sun for another overload
I hear you singin' in the wire, I can hear you through the whine
And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line

I know I need a small vacation but it don't look like rain
And if it snows that stretch down south won't ever stand the strain
And I need you more than want you, and I want you for all time
And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line

And I need you more than want you, and I want you for all time
And the Wichita Lineman is still on the line

By the time I get to Phoenix I'll be over my Glen Campbellophobia!


© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

10/7/07

Jethro Tull for Verizon?

Let's bundle in the jungle! Bundling is where the money-saving action is, but only if Verizon FIOS has come to your doorstep. If you are unsure of the availability at your address, the on-line and 1-888 telephone sources will give you plenty of chances for hacking vines with big machetes.

It's a jungle out there, trying to understand the plans for high-speed internet, cable t.v., landline and wireless phones. A person could almost long for the good old days when the rotary dial phone was on the kitchen wall, and the t.v. got three channels. That would be a person feverish from malaria trying to dig a canal across the swampy isthmus of intentional confusion and leech-infested obfuscation. Would you rather be trapped in the quicksand of health insurance jargon, or the Babel of cellphone rate plans???

My herd of cellphones are with Cingular, which now has the silly name "AT&T Mobility." The name conjures up wheelchair racers talking on cellphones as they careen down the ramps at Madonna Rehab. At&T bundling is as bungled as Verizon's. Wheelchairs remind me of Tom Robbins' Fierce Invalids Home From Hot Climates. Check it out.

Let's bungle in the jungle --- well, that's all right by me.
I'm a tiger when I want love,but I'm a snake if we disagree.


© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

6/19/07

Long distance

"I'm on the phone long distance, Mom used to say. You didn't interrupt when your parent was "talking long distance," unless you or your sibling was bleeding from an artery or barfing in a center pivot irrigation spray pattern on the carpet. We didn't interrupt for linoleum, no matter what.

I imagine my grandma sitting down in her wooden rocking chair, placing her feet up on the hassock, and picking up the receiver of the basic black rotary dial desk model. The lamplight is golden. Moths flit outside the screens. A print resembling Gainsborough's "Blue Boy" hangs over the itchy horsehair sofa. Grandma tells the operator she wants to place a long distance call, and after a little chat, gives the desired number in a combination of letters and numbers.

Long distance was for birthday wishes and for emergencies. Birthday wish calls were "placed" after the rates changed at five. Emergency calls were later in the evening, probably after our eight o'clock bedtime. Mom would stop the loud dishwasher mid-cycle. Dad would sit at the dining table "talking long distance" on the black rotary dial wall phone. We knew to play quietly in the living room, then to get changed quickly into our Huckleberry Hound pajamas. If a parent was "talking long distance" we knew we would get our goodnight kiss and tuck-in after bit.

As a newlywed thirty years ago, my whole local telephone bill was $7.48 a month. We rarely called my in-laws "long distance" because it was so expensive to call. Our few far-flung friends received and responded to hand-written letters sent via the U.S. Mail!

On the phone with Dad as I am nearly every evening. We chat about his meals and my students, our weather, and his home aides. We decide any day no one pees on their Velcro shoes is a good day.

We chat, glad to be connected by one flat fee for unlimited long distance. True, the monthly bills for my landline and for cellphone service for myself and two sons, is a huge chunk of my budget. Then there's the cable internet charge for staying in even more constant contact with legions of friends, coworkers, relatives, and sons.

Dad and I chat, and a fly circles my desk, landng on the sliding glass door. Skwoop! Without thinking or pondering the squandered long distance pennies, I reach over for a vintage National Geographic map of Hawaii and swat that bad boy against the glass. In one fell swoop I've smote/swat/away what might have taken 6-7 days to communicate by mail. I must be in the zone to get a fly on first try.

At Grandma's we would be thinking about a little dish of vanilla ice milk with some chocolate syrup...




© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

4/23/07

Stop in the Name of Love, I Mean It!

Hang up now! Young love used all our shared rollover minutes. Love is a many-splendored and text-messaged thing, a personally-toned ring, and a definite zing. But now it is time for Danger Baby to dip his quill pen in the ink well, and write a poem in his best penmanship to his beloved, then fold it neatly and mail it at the post office. Maybe his brother, the Woolly Mammoth, will have enough cell phone minutes to straighten out his Albuquerque utility bill. (Try saying "Albuquerque utilities" three times fast.)

Love is a many-splendored thing,
It's the April rose that only grows in the early spring,
Love is nature's way of giving a reason to be living,
The golden crown that makes a man a king.
Lost on a high and windy hill,
In the morning mist two lovers kissed and the world stood still,
When our fingers touch my silent heart has taught us how to sing,
Yes, true love's a many-splendored thing.

I just made a Supremes collage. I wish I'd glued a Nokia in each gloved hand. Is it possible to text-message wearing full-length gloves?



© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

8/6/06

Have you reached the party?

"Ernestine, we have a problem."

My oldest called me last night to let me know he was reading my email updates about his grandfather in the hospital. He told me I had obviously flipped the switch and gone into my heavy duty Mission Control mode.

I'm a mom. I've been in Mission Control training most of my adult life. I've got badges for Time Coordinator, Planning Specialist, Logistics Engineer, Communications Hub Advanced Training, Terrain Tech, and Encoding/Decoding Operations, although not for Weightlessness Counseling. If I could just get my hands on one of those Mars Rovers, there'd be no problem programming it to sift through the debris on my youngest's bedroom floor in search of evidence of life.

My sister and I could team up to out-FEMA any Bush appointee on crisis and disaster relief. Homeland insecurity? Put the wagons in a circle! When we got word that Dad had fallen and broken his femur, we were instantly marshalling forces from all across the country's time zones, setting up communication chains, and procuring emergency transportation. She was in charge of children, pets, and paratroopers. I was in charge of MREs--Maybe Recognizable Edibles, fact-checking, and press releases. Thank heaven none of this was necessary, but we could have had banks of porta-potties set up outside any sports arena in this country AND ensured that each one would have both Northern Quilted toilet paper and a Purel dispenser.

My dad's mother worked as the night telephone company operator in a small, northeastern Nebraska town in the middle of the twentieth century. I felt Halma's presence as I did what I could long distance for her son. She might have been surprised at the technology, but not at the motivation.

I used to be phone-a-phobic, and I'm still phone-adverse most of the time. When it really matters, though, I can talk on my cellphone, check messages on the home phone, type lower case emails, and wear my Skype headphones all at the same time!



It was good to hear about my oldest's progress at his new full-time position. He turns twenty-four this week. He seemed a little down about it. Every phase of his life until now had a specific time allotted; seven years of elementary school, three years of middle school, two years of high school, two years of senior high, four years of undergraduate, two years of grad school. Now a very long road stretches before him of grown-up full-time responsibility; over forty hours a week for over forty years. He has crossed the line into the middle stage of life, where we are citizens, members, parents, and worker bees, subscribing to the governing rules for family, job, community, and nation.

At almost exactly his age, I hit an emotional speed bump. I was sitting at a table at an outdoor wedding reception when I suddenly realized I was "grown-up", but that the status did not have any of the wisdom or privileges I'd always assumed. It was like searching for nonexistent answers in the back of the math book. Shouldn't at least the odd-numbered questions have the answers?

Though the thresholds aren't as clearly demarcated, "grown-up" adulthood gradually shifts into wonderful mature stages of learning, loving, being internally governed instead of externally controlled, becoming traveling minstrels, sages, crones, and fools. Yes, Ernestine, I have reached the party. The answers still aren't in the back of the book, but I can choose my own questions.

Happy birthday, son.

7/2/06

Customer Service and Other Axe Murder Morons

"Oxymoron" is what I meant to say, but anyone who has ever spent time with automated phone menus, tech service, or customer service has probably been close to a Lizzie Borden moment.

oxymoron
1657, from Gk. oxymoron, noun use of neut. of oxymoros (adj.) "pointedly foolish," from oxys "sharp" (see acrid) + moros "stupid." Rhetorical figure by which contradictory terms are conjoined so as to give point to the statement or expression; the word itself is an illustration of the thing. Now often used loosely to mean "contradiction in terms."

Thanks to the New York Times for catching me up about the top ten audio file of Vincent Ferrari's call trying to "Cancel AOL". I also enjoyed Brian Finkelstein's video on YouTube: "A Comcast Technician Sleeping on my Couch".

I've spent a ridiculous amount of time this week trying to return calls to a State Farm claims investigator about a bike/car accident I witnessed a few Sundays ago. She needs something from me, but I have invested my time first in listening to her phone messages numerous times to write down all her phone numbers, extensions, and claim ID numbers. Then I've squandered many minutes going through the State Farm automated phone menu to punch in the extension number, only to be misdirected to a switchboard or informed that the claim investigator was out of the office. She seems to be calling from a blocked number outside of office hours. Leaving her a message isn't possible. So I'm just going to put it out here in cyberspace: It was the kid on the bike's fault. The accident was entirely preventable. If you want my help, don't waste my time.

6/9/06

Homeland Insecurity


Somewhere in Europe a cute college student is sitting on the windowsill of his apartment. He's hanging out the window holding his roommate's computer to catch a WiFi connection.



Meanwhile, I'm wearing my headset and trying to Skype him. We are all relieved that I'm not wearing a sequined leotard and riding on an elephant. When our calls don't connect, I feel like I'm performing without a net.



It's a tightrope. When we do connect I feel balanced.

5/18/06

I Like Skype

Calling people on Skype is totally free to landlines and mobile phones within the US and Canada until the end of the year. I like Skype (and I'm old enough to remember Irving Berlin's "They Like Ike" song from "Call Me Madam"). I like putting on my groovy headset to make a call. I can pretend to be my grandma working at the Pierce Telephone Co., or Britney Spears, or Lily Tomlin.

...But there's Ike
And Ike is good on a mike
And they know
The votes that he can carry-
But don't forget there's Harry
But they like Ike

[2nd verse:]
They won't take Saltonstall and Stassen's chance is smal
lThe same would go for Vandenberg and Taft
And Dewey's right in line with William Jennings Bryan
There isn't anyone that they can draft

[2nd refrain:]
They like Ike
And Ike is good on a mike
They like Ike-
But Ike says he won't take it
That makes Ike
The kind o' feller they like
And what's more
They seem to think he'll make it

Alas, I am old enough to know about Harold Stassen and William Jennings Bryan. I can't really picture either of them using Skype, though.

Ethel Merman and Irving Berlin had exclusive contracts with different record companies, so Call Me Madam had two cast albums – Merman on Decca, and the rest of of the cast with Dinah Shore on RCA. We had both.

Give Skype a try. It's easy, and my son says I hate technology.

3/4/06

Wasting the weekend with Aetna.com

Dear Aetna.com,

On one page of your website it says,

Print, complete and mail the Order Form with your 90 day prescriptions to:
Aetna Rx Home Delivery.


On another page it states,

Maximum Days Supply
Up to a 60 day supply

It also indicates that personalized plan information by telephone is

Available 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

So after spending much of the morning clicking hither and thither through the website seeking the definitive answer about my mail-in Rx plan, I attempted the telephone method. The automated voice recognition fellow was a very pleasant, polite bass. Maybe I could date him. He sounded about 5'11". It would be easy getting acquainted as he already seemed to know so much about me, like my name and birthday. He was good at anticipating what I was about to say, such as when he just guessed right out of the blue that my ID number might begin with a "W". He didn't just talk, talk, talk about his job or sports, and was pleased to ask me little questions and listen to my replies. I took his offered arm as we skirted the puddles on the glistening sidewalk, under the misty glow of the streetlights. We went around the corner to that quiet spot with no ferns to have a drink together. He asked if I would please call him during normal business hours. Then, like lots of guys, he just disappeared into the void, giving me no answers, and no further options. At least I hadn't put on pantyhose!

1/17/06

Earworms and other bait

Howie knows that I often have songs stuck in my head, and he rushed me the info from the January Discover magazine explaining the phenomenon of "earworms".

Certain songs—simple, repetitive, or oddly incongruous—have properties that act as mental mosquito bites in that they produce a cognitive "itch." The condition also arises when people struggle to remember forgotten lyrics or how a song ends. To scratch a cognitive itch, the brain repeats the song, which then traps the hapless victim in a repeated cycle of itching and scratching.

I was glad to learn that earworms are "unrelated to both obsessive-compulsive disorder and endomusia, the hearing of music that is not really there." Maybe I'm not so crazy after all. Don't have an earworm at the moment, but just thinking about worms recalls one of the creepiest stories I read last year. If you want to test your wormy-squirmy quotient, try this from Outside magazine's November '04 issue. Thank heaven my parasitic "Lion Sleeps Tonight" is not Ancylostoma braziliense physically crawling around just under my skin.



Scientific name: several species (Dermaptera)
Facts: Earwigs are of little importance except that they frequently become a nuisance in and around homes. They emit a disagreeable odor when crushed and are quite sinister in appearance. Common Texas species are predaceous, capturing smaller arthropods with large pincers located at the end of their abdomen and devouring them with their chewing mouthparts. The average length is about 1 inch, but some individuals may be 1-1/2 inches long.
Photo credit: Extension Entomology, Texas A&M University



Half the folks I encounter at mall, airport, library, school, restaurant, bank, and grocery store have ear attachments to keep them perpetually connected. They often look like the raving, gesturing marginal persons under the highway interchanges in the large cities of this technologically advanced society. Others look like they escaped from a sci-fi convention. A third group may have significant repressed anger issues about 1960s ancestors with hearing aids.

10/1/05

Right Guard

Phone rang at 6:40 a.m. Friday waking me out of fitful sinus headache sleep. I went stumbling about in the dark, but by the time I made it to the phone the voice mail had kicked in. The whole message was, "Hi, it's Mike." Now it makes sense. The phone rang one other morning this week at 5:52. I wondered all day about that.

This global time travel is still odd to me. The phone connections are much clearer than when my brother studied in England twenty-plus years ago.

One reason for Mike's call is the apparent lack of anti-perspirants in Italy. I tried to convince him it would be okay, that Europeans just aren't picky about body smells. My preconceived notions of Europe involve bad teeth, greasy hair, and sweaty people dressed in black sitting at outdoor cafes drinking wine all hours of the day, including 6:40 a.m. CDT. It doesn't sound all that bad, except for the greasy hair.

Mike patiently explained to me that although Europeans might not care about sweat-stained t-shirts, he is living and studying with a bunch of American kids, aka young adults. Americans obsess about sweat and body smells. Okay, I agreed, but maybe he could shop for deodorant when he goes to Prague this week. Surely Bohemians are more cognizant of the need for anti-perspirants! Surely that would be more cost-effective than his old mom mailing personal hygiene products around the globe. And don't call me Shirley.



Sometime in the night I woke up remembering how this condo used to smell like a locker room before it became an empty nest. This morning I put the Right Guard in the mail with the Customs declaration, "For Personal Use Only. No Commercial Value." I'm calling it one private citizen's international humanitarian relief effort. It should be tax-deductible.

I draw the line at mailing Lady Bic razors to Botticelli's Venus!

8/22/05

Saying Goodbye to Sgt. Bradley

I broke it to him as gently as I could. The Marine recruiter who has left hundreds of messages on my voice mail over the past seven years does not need to call here anymore. There is no chance whatsoever that I am going to enlist.

Without Sgt. Bradley, I will have only the Plano Public Library's automated calling system, and some pesky UT alumni directory salespitchers to leave me messages. Only the Maytag repairman will have fewer Call Notes.

8/6/05

The voice of the automaton...

...or the language of Love?

Substituted again today at the small library where I used to be a storytime lady back in the late Nineties. It is fun to spend time there, see some of my favorite patrons, wonder how the kids got so grown up, and just be around books. The library's technology has changed radically since 1999, and become much more user-friendly for staff and patrons.

One of the relatively new improvements is an automated notification system for reserved books. That means that when a book reserved by a patron becomes available, the patron receives an automated phone call informing them that they can pick up the book at the library. The phone recording has a woman's voice saying something like, "This is the Broccoli Public Library calling with a message for..." Then an automaton pronounces your last name first, first name next, and middle name last. The woman's voice returns to explain that materials you have placed on hold are now available to be picked up and will be held for a certain number of days.

We used to make the phone calls ourselves. We would leave more personal messages:

This is Clementine at the Broccoli Public Library calling for Mrs. Brainly. I know you just stopped by this morning, and I hope you got home before it rained. Wouldn't you know, as soon as you left, the book you placed on reserve was returned, so we will hold it at the desk for you until Tuesday.

One of the patrons thinks my voice is the one on the new automated recording. She says it's strange to hear, since I don't really work there any more, so why would it be my voice? We joke about it for awhile, but it slowly dawns on me that I was originally so nervous about making the phone calls that my messages were very flat and jerky. Phone phobia was just one of the aspects of my anxiety disorder in the time of my divorce. So, it's not that the automaton sounds like me, but that I sounded like an automaton much of the time.

In 1979 I worked at Love Library at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln, a job that also had its fun moments. The library received a Kurzweil Reading Machine for the blind, and I spent time training on it so that I could theoretically help visually-impaired patrons with this brand new technology. The Kurzweil Reading Machine somehow scanned print material, and "read it aloud" for the user in a very mechanical synthetic "voice". This was pretty far-out sci-fi stuff in those days. Bar codes had only been used in retail stores for five years, the same year Atari launched Pong, the first video game. "Star Wars" had brought us the voice of Darth Vader just two years before. Audiotapes were still reel-to-reel. Answering machines and microwave ovens had been around a few years, but personal computers were off in the future.

3/9/05

Goldilocks, phone home!


If you really squint through your bifocals, you can imagine my three phones as Papa Bear, Mama Bear, and the wee Baby Bear. There's my home phone, my "ancient" cell phone, and the free replacement cell phone. Like my Danger Baby at the zoo, I think I'll have to strap Baby Samsung tightly in it's stroller so it doesn't climb over the fence and fall into the prairie dog town exhibit.

My old Nokia didn't do any tricks. I'd had it six years, and had finally learned to add numbers to the phonebook, and to use the key guard. It's predecessor had been almost as big as my home phone, and was kept in the glovebox strictly for automotive emergencies, of which it saw more than its share. So this tiny Samsung is my third cell phone. It fits in my pocket, but I'm afraid I will forget it's there and run it through the laundry! I've spent several hours trying to comprehend the owner's manual and program my phone numbers. Now I've got to learn to actually make and receive calls. Another five years and I might figure out text messaging. I don't like to rush into things!

Programmed the numbers of my dad's neighbors in the phonebook. I sure hope I don't ever need them, but I wouldn't have to search for them in an emergency. Added the numbers for my children and siblings, coworkers and friends. I've heard tell that you can set up different telephone rings to signal different callers. Yeah, right. I expect to master that skill about the time Social Security really runs out of money. For now I'm settling for a ringing "Waltz of the Flowers".

As a child, my sister made the observation that a lady at church was so fat that her fingers would get stuck between the keys if she played the piano. Somehow, that became a scary recurring dream theme for me. Whenever I am in a dream disaster, my fingers become too fat to push the buttons on the phone. I can't ever call 911. Technology isn't the terror. I'm sure if we were still dialing my fingers would be stuck in the rotary phone.

It isn't that the buttons have become smaller as phones got more high tech. I put on my little leftover Science Fair Mom hat (and thank heaven I'm done with science fairs!). Did an on-site comparative analysis of phone button size. For once I have clear results showing Size Isn't Everything. It's all in the spacing. Phone button size hasn't changed much, but button density has increased significantly. By the way, my porridge is still TOO HOT!