Showing posts with label mangled lyrics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label mangled lyrics. Show all posts

9/24/08

Wednesday attitude adjustment

This in from the You Just Thought Your Day Was Rough Department:

When I left work at 5:15 or so, I turned on the car radio. My NPR station was still in its fall pledge drive, so I switched over to WRR 101.1 for some classical music. But, no, my favorite soap opera was still on the air. The Dallas City Council convened today at nine a.m., and WRR was still broadcasting live from the meeting.

The Council was considering Agenda Item 55 at that moment, and Deputy Mayor Pro Tem, Dwaine R. Caraway, was calling for the men "with the motails in the back row to please stand up." Now Councilman Caraway from District 4 is best known for his anti-sagging pants campaign, and he once appeared on Dr. Phil's t.v. show to promote it. The slogan for that campaign is, "Grandma says: Pull 'Em Up!" That's why I thought a "motail" was likely either a fashion statement or a bad hairdo.

The Deputy Mayor Pro Tem was actually asking the men in the back to rise so he could commend them for their plan to build "an unseedly motail," an extended-stay hotel that "meant quality." Don't know about you, but just contemplating this Candlewood Suites in all its unseedliness brought a smile to my tired face.

Next, Agenda Item 54 was reopened for consideration. Seems there hadn't been a proper request for speakers opposed to a drive-through bank in Subdistrict B-2 of Planned Development District 749, aka the Baylor Hospital Special Use District, the first time around. The opposed speakers were even more agitated than they would have been if they were called the first time, if that is possible, and even further off the topic.

The first woman directed her fury at the Council for "sitting up there eating your grapes and your prunes and not letting us comment..." The next speaker went off about Baylor Hospital, and how "they are killing people up there with surgeries they don't even need and the security guards threw me in jail when I walked out the back door of the lunchroom with a plate lunch even though I had a paycheck in my pocket and $8000, so I didn't even need to cash my paycheck, like I couldn't pay for the plate lunch, and they're killing people in there, I know 'cause I worked there."

I spend a lot of time trying to get my preschool council members to eat their grapes and their prunes. They tell rambling stories that often have nothing to do with the agenda item. Some of them have a lot of trouble pulling up their pants and remembering to flush. Still, most of them can tell the difference between a drive-through bank and a hospital.

I'm humming a little WWI ditty:

Pack up your troubles in your old kit-bag,
And smile, smile, smile.
Tuck in your motails, and smile, boys, that's the style.

And [Note To Self] next time, remember to buy the unseedly grapes at Albertsons!

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

9/6/08

Driving a walrus in the Rose Bowl Parade

This week the Buick got a new intake manifold gasket, starter, battery, and coolant flush, and all I got was this lousy t-shirt.

Well, not exactly. I didn't get a t-shirt. Instead I got vivid dreams of having a pedicure while riding atop a petal-decorated Tournament of Roses parade float.

Three days driving my walking buddy's giant walrus of a Ford Explorer altered my consciousness, but I'm proud to say I never fell down out of the driver's seat onto the pavement. I want my small, low vehicle back, despite its flaws!

Two weeks of sharing lizard stories with preschoolers had me in full gecko velcro toe mode. Gecko toes are inspiring scientists to create new adhesive products, but all I got were these lousy nightmares of Warren Zevon cross-pollinating with Rosie in Bye-Bye Birdie!

Well, I saw Lon Chaney waving like the parade queen, doing the walrus of London.

I saw Warren Zevon riding on the float, doing the walrus of London.

I saw a gecko drinking a pina colada at Trader Vic's, and his toenails were perfect.

I saw Rosie dancing with Dick Van Dyke on the upper level of the Trinity River Express train.

Ahhhooooo, wake me up, please! Ahhhooooo, wake me up, please!

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

5/18/08

Tres Perro Noche

The assembled repatriated juniors were discussing the disgusting trend toward dogs being taken everywhere in North Texas. I agree with them that it's very annoying, but don't Italians take their dogs to the sidewalk restaurants? Certainly, the returning students say, "but Italian dogs are so much better trained!"

Not being really connected with celebrity trends and gossip, I don't know who to blame for the teacup dog craze. Last week I watched a woman smoosh her dog down into her totebag before she walked into Chipotle to order her lunch. My weekend lunch buddy and I are displeased when diners on the La Madeleine patio retrieve their dogs from the car, let them off leash, and leave them unattended while they go inside to get more coffee and jelly.

It's an arrogant assumption that everyone dining on the cafe patio will be as enchanted with your precious wuzzum woggy-doggy as you. I don't want to share my dining experience with your uzzy-wuggy muffy-wuzzum.

The college students all applaud my oration on the subject. They add that if children can't behave in a restaurant, their parents shouldn't bring them! Bold opinions from the upcoming generation of parents, so I'm noting the date on the calendar. We will check in with them on that subject in another four years!

In 1982 my spouse decided that we should take our six month-old son to a trendy fondue restaurant in Omaha. Geez! "Trendy fondue restaurant" sounds sooooo long ago! No wonder that baby has a master's degree. It was named "The Golden Apple" (the restaurant, not the baby). When we walked in with our baby, a collective gasp of horror went up from the dining customers and the waitstaff. Did we get the hint? No. Did we make that mistake again??? No.

I've been plagued by mangled mental music from Three Dog Night, circa 1970 :


Want some wuzzums at your restaurant,
Teacup doggie by your knee
What's all these crazy questions they askin' me
This is the craziest party there could ever be
Don't turn on the lights, 'cause I don't want to see
Mama told me not to come
Mama told me not to come
That ain't the way to have fun, no

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

5/13/08

Totebags Remove Anxiety


This is not a snake oil medicine show, boys and squirrels, mothers and otters! I'm not selling magic elixirs or tonics. I just want you to step right up and learn how you, yes you, or the woman you love, can get rid of Perfect Purse anxiety.

This cure doesn't have Twelve Steps. You don't have to admit powerlessness over purses, although you may willingly confess that Perfect Purse Anxiety made your life unmanageable.

I used to worry a lot about having the Perfect Purse, or an Appropriate Purse For the Occasion, or an Acceptable Purse Given the Situation, or a Not Entirely Dreadful Even Though Terribly Embarrassing Purse From An Aesthetic Standpoint. I was not alone. Every woman I knew, and even one guy, had the same anxiety. That's why I'm glad to report there is a road out of this stress, and that road is paved with ...



TOTEBAGS!



A totebag tells the world that you are much too busy, and have far too much to carry, to worry about a little thing like a purse. When the going gets tough, the tough stuff their purse into their totebag along with everything else.

The healing power of totebags:

  • The beauty of totebags is that they are all gifts and freebies. I don't have to make any decisions. Even the totebag I keep my totebags in was a gift.
  • Totebags can restore a sense of empowerment to those crushed down by decades of purse abuse. I get a jolt of powerful electricity every time I walk into Albertsons with my totebag full of totebags. The cashiers and baggers look at me with shock and awe (and try to finagle an extra smoke break to avoid me).
  • Totebags nestle within totebags within totebags. You can pull long strings of them out of your sleeve. "Rocky! Watch me pull a totebag out of my hat," says Bullwinkle.
  • Totebags are not the possession of the owner any more than children are the possession of their parents or an unmarked umbrella leaning by the door during a downpour is reserved for the forgetful person who left it. Totebags belong to the cosmos.
  • Totebags inspire generosity of spirit. You hand off a totebag to any visitor who has a lot to carry, knowing that someone will do the same for you. You are not personally invested in a totebag. Your self concept/ego/identity is not riding in a totebag like a third grade bully in a midway bumper car. You can afford to be magnanimous. Some other store will have a grand opening. Some other public radio station or magazine with reward subscribers.

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one. I just finished reading Nora Ephron's piece about purses in I Feel Bad About My Neck, a paperback I had stuffed into my totebag.

The Totebag Remedy is absolutely Lennon-esque in its simplicity and healthful beauty:

Imagine no possessions

I wonder if you can

No need for greed or hunger

A brotherhood of man

Gather ye totebags while ye may. Whole Foods is still a-flying. But this same upscale organic gourmet demographic with excess disposable income today tomorrow will be crying and whining into its cellphones.

A book of verses underneath the bough,

A loaf of bread, a jug of wine, and thou,

A sturdy totebag that is mine for now,

O, wilderness were paradise enow!

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

5/6/08

Irresistible force meets immovable alphabet?

"Could we play the rhyming game again? Can we make pig wig?," the preK student asks.

"Absolutely! That would be fun," I say, impressed that she considers our recent word-building endeavor a game. "What do we need?"

"The at bat hat book and the immobile alphabet," she says, and scurries off to find them.

There's a funny mental image. It must be wheelchair day at the double A baseball game! I'm putting on my rally cap for this at bat.

Her "immobile alphabet" is really the classic teaching movable alphabet. Maybe writer's block is just a bad case of immobilized alphabet...
"Can I play, too? I played yesterday!," a second girl asks. She's a bit older, and can think of sat fat rat. Of course she may join us.

Speaking of fat rats and immobile alphabets, my Cingular cellphone service recently changed to "AT&T Mobility". What a silly name! The word mobility doesn't inspire thoughts of untethered phoning freedom. It instantly conjures its opposite, immobility. Oh, great. I've got a cellphone that needs a ramp, and I'm paying how much a month?!

Back with the rhyming preK girls, we play the "game" with at, it, ox, ig, og, ug. I'm delighted when they put their consonant heads together to figure out twig. Sure, they have some ideas that don't make words. The best is vog. "You know, Ms. Nancy, vog, when you can't see anything!" That vould be a Transylvanian fog.


Why am I wearing my at bat hat rally cap on this voggy day? CollageMama is celebrating in the dugout on the twenty-first birthday of her youngest son. Pour that nice ice lime rhyme cooler of Gatorade on her head!

Put the rhyme in the coconut, shake it all up. Put the rhyme in the coconut, call the doctor, wake him up.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

4/17/08

Von't you be my neighbor?

"Boys and girls," Mr. Rogers would ask, "can you say, 'Vlad the Impaler'?" He would untie his shoes and put on his slip-ons, then tie that black batwing cape around his neck. Slipping the plastic fangs he got trick-or-treating last Halloween into his mouth, Fred would gradually morph into Vincent Price before sprinkling vishvood in the vishtank.

It's a beautiful night in this neighborhood,
A beautiful night for a neighbor,
Vould you be mine?
Could you be mine?

It's a neighborly night in this beautywood,
A neighborly night for a beauty,
Vould you be mine? Could you be mine?
...

Von't you please,
Von't you please,
Please von't you be my neighbor?

Spoken: Hi television neighbor, I'm glad we're together again.... Tonight we are going to play vindow viper, and vipe your vindows!"

Vell, not exactly, but I am looking forward to Texas Ballet Theatre's "Dracula" with crypt-chilling music by Liszt, choreography by Ben Stevenson, and danced in the incredible Bass Hall in Fort Worth. A ballet with sleeping beauties, but no fairy wings sounds qvuite intriguing.

Any vampire vindow viper dancing around here vill have to sleep in the vorm bin, as I have no Transylvanian dirt. I've got a bottle of Vindex ready, though. Next time I read One Fish Two Fish I'll use my vampire voice.







© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

3/31/08

Flies in the worm bin, what'll I do?



Flies in the worm bin, what'll I do?
Flies in the worm bin, what'll I do?
Skip to my Lou my darlin'!


It's really just a few very small flying insects with hard-shell brown bodies, so I don't know if it's going to be a problem. Tiny white specks are appearing on the walls of the bin, and again, I haven't a clue.

Specks in the worm bin, haven't a clue
Specks in the worm bin, haven't a clue
Specks in the worm bin, haven't a clue
Skip to my Lou my darlin'!

The worms have stopped congregating in the high-rise handles of the worm bin, even on weekends. That several of them were forced to resign from public office because of those elite encounters has been much in the press. It's a bit too personal for me to discuss the whole "stand by your worm" phenomenon.

Now worms are opting for a more populist hoedown sort of elbow-swinging social life, clearly courting the evangelical vote:

Deep in the worm bin, what do they do?
Deep in the worm bin, what do they do?
Deep in the worm bin, what do they do?
Skip to my Lou my darlin'!

Yes, the worms are participating in the very old tradition of the American play party. "Skip to My Lou" is a play party song:

What did young people do for diversion and socialization in communities that banned most dancing and considered the fiddle to be the devil's instrument? The American play party was the fundamentalist's answer. Here the singing was a cappella, the dancers followed prescribed steps, and arm and elbow swings would be the only touching.

Little students are singing "Skip to My Lou" as they rehearse for their spring music festival of American folk songs. Play parties died out in the 1950s, but the tradition lives on in children's folk songs. I haven't found a copy of Waltz the Hall: The American Play Party, by Alan L. Spurgeon. Jackson: University Press of Mississippi, 2005. ISBN1-57806-742-1, but I have put it on the worms' wish list!

Skip a little further, this will never do. We still have to consider the state of baby names. The popularity list for 2007 is a bit less scary than most years, except for the Simple Simon Metapimen rhymin' boys' names--Aiden, Caden, Braden, Jayden--soon to be followed by Afraiden, Maiden, Trade-in, and eBaydon. If your suggestion sounds like an ad campaign starring Keano Reeves for the tuxedo-rental store in that decaying shopping mall in your built-out suburb, maybe you should let your spouse choose the baby's name.

Boys' names
1. Aiden
2. Ethan
3. Jacob
4. Jayden
5. Caden
6. Noah
7. Jackson
8. Jack
9. Logan
10. Matthew
11. Ryan
12. Nicholas
13. Michael
14. Connor
15. Brayden
16. Dylan
17. Caleb
18. Joshua
19. Andrew
20. Tyler

(I've taught boys named all except Jayden and Caden. Aiden, Caden, Jayden, and Brayden will drive art teachers to an early grave with potential alternate spellings to write in the upper left-hand corner of students' artwork!)

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

3/29/08

A-mouldering in the grave

Amy Stewart’s book The Earth Moved: On the Remarkable Achievements of Earthworms begins with a chapter on Charles Darwin's studies of worms. Darwin wrote The Formation of Vegetable Mould, Through the Action of Worms, With Observations on Their Habits in 1881. Apparently, "vegetable mould" was the term for soil at that time.

Thank heaven, Darwin, and Ms. Stewart for that missing link of information! Growing up where Mulder Drive met Eastridge Drive in the early Sixties, life was simple if mysterious, and school was delightful. "Writing" meant printing in pencil on wide-lined newsprint. "Music" didn't require carrying a tune when we sang "the worms play pinochle on your snout. " We learned to read with Dick and Jane, and spent our fifteen-minute recesses climbing on the jungle gym and chanting, "I see London, I see France, I see someone's underpants." It was okay to get dirty if we were wearing our Play Clothes, but not in our School Clothes. At the pool we got our faces wet and blew bubbles.

On some level, we little kids knew that when we crossed into third grade life was going to get much tougher. We would have to learn the elementary backstroke and the breaststroke. We would start reading Childhood of Famous Americans biographies, and have to "carry" in addition. We would try to get pigs in the pigpen playing jacks with a golf ball on the concrete slap at recess. It wouldn't be a picnic, that was for sure!

Still, for fear factor, the worst was knowing we would be in Mrs. M and Mrs. S's Sunday School class. These two pillars of the church had been teaching third grade Sunday School since before Eve bit the apple. They ran the class like a miniature kiddie church service. The kids sat on wooden benches on either side of an aisle, and opened kiddie hymnals to sing "Onward Christian Soldiers" and "The Battle Hymn of the Republic" each Sunday. The goal must have been to prepare eight year olds how to behave in an actual church service.

If we didn't actually sing the verses of "John Brown's Body" as part of "The Battle Hymn," we must have acquired that knowledge at the same age:

John Brown's body lies a-mouldering in the grave,
John Brown's body lies a-mouldering in the grave,
But his soul goes marching on.

Glory, glory, hallelujah,
Glory, glory, hallelujah,
His soul goes marching on.

He's gone to be a soldier in the Army of the Lord,
He's gone to be a soldier in the Army of the Lord,
His soul goes marching on.

We also sang a dreadful parody with "teacher hit me with a ruler" that is too eerie to print in this age of school shootings.

The Online Etymology Dictionary redirects me from moulder to molder, but not to Mulder Drive:

molder (v.) "to crumble away," 1531, probably freq. of mold (3) "loose earth."

Thanks to a Library of Congress website for teachers I learn the John Brown song predates Julia Ward Howe's writing of the Battle Hymn:

The original version was a religious camp meeting song written in the 1850s and began "Say, brothers, will you meet us? On Canaan’s happy shore?" The song eventually spread to army posts, where its steady rhythm and catchy chorus made it a natural marching song.

Soon, though, a new version appeared that hitched the old tune to a more militant cause. When the abolitionist John Brown was executed in 1859, someone created a new, fiercer set of lyrics; the song now declared that "John Brown’s body lies a-mouldering in the grave. His soul is marching on!"

By the time the Civil War began in 1861, the John Brown version of the song had spread throughout the Union army. Soldiers added new verses as they marched through the South, including one that promised to hang Jefferson Davis, the president of the Confederacy, from a tree. Meanwhile, Confederate soldiers answered back with their own version, in which John Brown was hanging from a tree.

The version that we know today came to be when an abolitionist author, Julia Ward Howe, overheard Union troops singing "John Brown’s Body" and was inspired to write a set of lyrics that dramatized the rightness of the Union cause. Within a year this new hymn was being sung by civilians in the North, Union troops on the march, and even prisoners of war held in Confederate jails.

Which brings me back to my moldy memories of third grade. That year we took a family road trip to Nebraska City to see Arbor Lodge and John Brown's Cave. I was very leery of looking into the cave, for fear of seeing his body a-mouldering. It was disappointing to find the cave was really a tiny basement under a pioneer cabin. There were no trains to be seen either, on this stop of the Underground Railroad!

JOHN BROWN'S CAVE

John Kagi, one of abolishionist John Brown's most trusted collegues, went to stay with his sister and brother-in-law Allen Mayhew. It was the early 1850's and the area was the Nebraska City area of Nebraska. Their cabin was very close to the Missouri River. Across the river was Iowa and Missouri. John Kagi, under the instruction of his friend John Brown, dug an underground room underneath the Mayhew cabin. It was accessible only from a ravine leading into a creek. The entrance was well camoflauged. There was also a hollow log put into the wall that lead to fresh air outside. This helped the ventilation when the entrance was closed up. This cave was to be used as a stop on the Underground Railroad. At night, slaves would cross the Missouri River from Missouri (slave state) to Nebraska (free state). They would hide out in the cave for the night. Mrs. Mayhew would bring them cornbread. After a short stay, they would be ferried across the Missouri River again. They would be taken a little more north to Iowa (free state), to another stop on the Underground Railroad. Or else, as more recent evidence shows, they would proceed toward Lincoln to hide out in Robber's Cave (see Nebraska haunted sites on Nebraska page). This cabin and cave are still standing where they were over a century ago. The Mayhew cabin is said to be the oldest standing building in Nebraska. It is open to tours and well worth the time.

And now, after this morning of mental mouldering, I may need to find Flashman and the Angel of the Lord at the library. The late George Macdonald Fraser's novel explains John Brown and the Underground Railroad better than any history class from third grade on.



---------------
Battle Hymn of the Republic

Mine eyes have seen the glory of the
coming of the Lord:
He is trampling out the vintage where the grapes of wrath are stored;
He hath loosed the fateful lightning of His terrible swift sword:
His truth is marching on.
(Chorus)
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
Glory, glory, hallelujah!
His truth is marching on.
I have seen Him in the watch-fires of a hundred circling camps,
They have builded Him an altar in the evening dews and damps;
I can read His righteous sentence by the dim and flaring lamps:
His day is marching on.
Chorus
His day is marching on.
I have read a fiery
gospel writ in burnished rows of steel:
"As ye deal with my contemners, so with you my grace shall deal;
Let the Hero, born of woman, crush
the serpent with His heel,
Since God is marching on."
Chorus
Since God is marching on.
He has sounded forth the trumpet that shall never call retreat;
He is sifting out the hearts of men before His judgment-seat:
Oh, be swift, my soul, to answer Him! be jubilant, my feet!
Our God is marching on.
Chorus
Our God is marching on.
In the beauty of the lilies
Christ was born across the sea,
With a glory in His bosom that transfigures you and me:
As He died to make men holy, let us die to make men free,
While God is marching on.
Chorus
While God is marching on.
He is coming like the glory of the morning on the wave,
He is Wisdom to the mighty, He is Succour to the brave,
So the world shall be His footstool, and the soul of Time His slave,
Our God is marching on.
Chorus
Our God is marching on.
-----------

Darwin, C. R. 1881. The formation of vegetable mould, through the action of worms, with observations on their habits. London: John Murray.

© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

3/24/08

Tchaiko Psycho

After an inspiring performance by the Dallas Symphony Orchestra in about 2005, I bought a cd of Tchaikovsky's Symphony No. 5 in E Minor (George Szell conducting the Cleveland Orchestra). Driving along between Norman and Purcell, the music had the same powerful emotional effect and trivial tidbit distraction as usual.


The second movement, II--Andante cantabile, con alcuna licenza, is the culprit. The first few notes always derail my teeny-tiny narrow gauge mental railroad, and send it plummeting down a pine-scented mountain slope. Trouble is, that rich evergreen melody sounds a wee tad like John Denver's "Annie's Song". You might remember it as the "fill up my senses" song. Sing along:



You fill up my Buick like regular Chevron,

like Milk Duds in August,

like money down the drain,

like llamas in springtime,

and Old Spice at midnight,

you fill up my senses,

come fill me again.



What were the real lyrics? Between Norman and Purcell I lacked the internet, but I'm glad to provide these words:


You fill up my senses like a night in the forest,

like the mountains in springtime,

like a walk in the rain,

like a storm in the desert,

like a sleepy blue ocean.

You fill up my senses, come fill me again.



And so, I'm always relieved to get back on track for the third movement Valse. Not to be confused with valise--a small piece of hand luggage from the Medieval Latin!



© 2008 Nancy L. Ruder

7/12/07

Docent So Close To Me

Docent so close to me, don't stand so close to me! I want to have the mental and physical space to form my own reactions to the art in your small gallery. I'm quite harmless. No intent to stick my chewed Doublemint gum on a work of art.

Immediately upon arrival at the Hillestad Textiles Gallery at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln to view the "Recycling & Resourcefulness: Quilts of the 1930s" exhibit a volunteer docent-in-training attached herself to me like one of those non-skid bathtub daisies on an early 1970s bathtub. Ecstatic that the gallery had a live visitor, she made me her bosom buddy to practice her spiel and stayed within hug-ability range. I've had a marriage with greater adhesion, and certainly less conversation.

This was not the most aggravating experience of suction docent syndrome, but very annoying anyway. I've been involuntarily conjoined to docents at the MADI and the MAC in Dallas, thePhilbrook in Tulsa, and the Wheelwright in Santa Fe. Thanks to the Valley House Gallery for being less velcro!

Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me
Don't stand, don't stand so
Don't stand so close to me


© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

6/8/07

Trouble with a capital "T" in Yutan

Thirteen and a quarter miles west on 275/92 aka W. Center Road from my former home in the Omaha suburb of Millard, is the little Nebraska town of Yutan. I'm referring to my Millard home where I planned to raise my sons and live the rest of my life. I loved that house on the lot backing up to the greenbelt where I could watch swallows flying loop-de-loops and awaken owls in the trees along the creek. Life took different loop-de-loops.

Doin's in Yutan aren't usually front page news, but "Break-ins to view porn raise issues: Yutan officials, library debating legality of using Web filters on computers for public use" was printed on page 1A of the Lincoln Journal Star last Tuesday. Five times in the last three weeks two young teens, ages thirteen and fifteen, have picked the lock to enter the library after hours to view porn on the Web. The Yutan library shut off all internet access until the library board purchases filters for the computers.

Nobody wants kids to see online porn, especially at their public library. Does that mean libraries shouldn't have public access internet computers? No. Does that mean libraries must have filters on their public access internet computers? No. Does that mean libraries should have better locks on their doors to protect their materials, records, and equipment after hours? You betcha.



The Yutan Public Library is only open 26 hours a week, and has a staff of two half-time employees. Over half of the town residents are library users. Are those residents flocking to the library to view porn during regular hours? Of course not. They are likely using the internet to get the trade-in value of their F-150s, research the genealogy of the Hillvandelmer family, find better deals on auto insurance (especially with that cute lizard), view Doppler weather radar, learn about the life cycle of our friend the beaver, ponder trendy baby names, find lyrics to that Creedence Clearwater Revival song about the "bathroom on the right", analyze regional variations in sloppy joe ingredients, and verify the legal drinking age in each of our fifty states just like you and me.

Must a library limit the access of these regular internet users during normal business hours to prevent the illegal after-hours viewing by petty teen criminals who, GASP, leave their 7-11 Slurpees next to the computer when they flee? That would be like tossing out all the Snickers bars from the freezer next to the cooler containing cartons of live bait just because some kid drove off without paying for a tank of unleaded at pump #3. It just doesn't make sense.

Yutan doesn't need internet filters. What Yutan needs is a boys' band! Let's call in Professor Harold Hill:

Well, either you're closing your eyes
To a situation you do now wish to acknowledge
Or you are not aware of the caliber of disaster indicated
By the presence of a library computer in your community.
Ya got trouble, my friend, right here, I say,
trouble right here in River City.

Why sure I'm a internet user,
Certainly mighty proud I say
I'm always mighty proud to say it.
I consider that the hours I spend
With a mouse in my hand are golden...

We've surely got trouble!
Right here in Yutan!
Remember the Maine, Plymouth Rock and the Golden Rule!




© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

5/22/07

Don't Let It Be Forgot...

...Before there was a spot,
For one brief shining moment,
I had clean Carpetlot!

Looking forward to seeing Lerner and Loewe's "Camelot" at the
Dallas Summer Musicals this weekend. I'll be leaving my Spot-Shot carpet stain remover at home. My favorite mud-tracking knights are grown up now. I could only find armored photos of two of the guys. Any Guenevere would fall for them. Still, over the years, they've been pretty tough on carpets.



Went to see the 1967 movie version with my junior high girlfriends. Seems like it played at the Varsity Theater, and it may have had an intermission. Movie intermissions went the way of the dinosaurs not long after.

The 1960 Broadway production starred Richard Burton, Julie Andrews, and Robert Goulet. Two out of three of them could sing. That was many more than in the movie with Richard Harris, Vanessa Redgrave, and Franco Nero.

Richard Harris also "sang" the weird 1968 hit song, "MacArthur Park". That song pops into my head when the preschoolers leave loosely-capped drinks and unsupervised choices to melt and ooze in their lunchboxes:

MacArthur's Park is melting in the dark
All the sweet, green icing flowing down--
Who thought it was a good idea to pack a popsicle in a lunchbox anyway???

Someone's crumbled cupcake made a stain. I don't think that I can take it...

Oh, no!

© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

4/24/07

Oh, Gorsh!

My youngest student, when reminded to flush and wash, says, "Oh, Gorsh!," with his hands on his face. He mutters, "Goll durn it," while he tries to straighten out his jeans that got turned sideways in the stall, then marches back in to push the handle that causes that loud, scary flushing noise.



Oh, gorsh! I remember the coin-operated bucking bronco at the Hinky Dinky gorshrey store. Occasionally Mom would give us money to ride the horse while she pushed her shopping cart around getting the Campbell's cream of mushroom, Weaver's potato chips, Sorry Charlie tuna, charcoal bricquets, and shattered wheat cereal for my Dad. Usually we just rode on the metal railings between the checkout lines near the display of mittens, ice-scrapers, and accordian-folded clear plastic rain "bonnets" in their handy carrying cases.

Mom got the huge round cartons of All detergent for the worshing machine. We used the cartons as horses when we played cowboys in the basement while Mom sewed and ironed. We slapped the backs of our pretend horses because the Father of Our Country had a "slapping stallion". It was very embarrassing when I learned to spell and found out George was Washington, not Warshington. And so, spelling became a civilizing force in This Great Country of Ours.

Of course a horse is a horse. Maybe Mr. Ed should run for president, and corral that bunch up in Warshington:

Go right to the source and ask the horse
He’ll give you the answer that you’ll endorse.
He’s always on a steady course.
Talk to Mister Ed.


There was Captain Washington
Upon a slapping stallion
A-giving orders to his men
I guess there was a million.

Yankee Doodle, keep it up
Yankee Doodle dandy
Mind the music and the step
And with the girls be handy. *

For decades I've been confused thinking the Marx Toy spring-action riding Mustang was "Marvo". The Sixties were a groovy, marvy time. The mangled ad jingle pops into my mind whenever I watch Dubya down at the Crawford ranch:

Marvo the Mustang; he's almost For Real!

I'm set straight now. It was "Marvel the Mustang". Marvel has his own virtual online museum. The current retro remakes don't get very good reviews from toy-buying grandparents. Seems things get less "for real" all the time. Oh, gorsh!

* (Sounds like a Viagra ad!)

4/18/07

Bobbleheads to first 10,000 fans

The mourning doves on my patio look and act like the exclusive limited-edition Lou Piniella bobblehead dolls given to the first ten thousand fans at last Sunday afternoon's Cubs vs. Reds game. The bobbling didn't make Lou look very bright, and mourning doves definitely miss the MENSA cutoff. If you look up the expression, "bird brain," there's probably an illustration of a mourning dove.

This particular pair is trying to figure out how to nest on the back door security lightbulbs. I'm not keen on the idea of two white eggs falling off a loosely made nest of sticks and twigs and splatting on the patio, or of being awakened by such close coo-ah coo coo coos.



With apologies to Freddie Eynsford-Hill,
I have often walked down my block before,
but I've never seen a hawk outside my condo door.

Returning from an errand, I was stunned to see a very small greyish hawk standing on skinny yellow legs on the front sidewalk next to a baby bird. The hawk didn't move as I opened my car door, but turned its head slightly when I scurried into the condo to get the camera. When I came back out, the hawk emphatically put its sharp talons on its victim. I took one step closer, and off it flew between the carports and toward the creek with its sacklunch struggling.

You can barely see it in the photo, as it was just slightly taller than the curb, and smaller than a city pigeon. It seemed grey in the shadows. The striking thing, beyond the weirdness of the whole experience, were the bird's long skinny yellow legs. It didn't have the "eye makeup" or rusty look of the kestrals I've seen in the neighborhood. I'm guessing it was a sharp-shinned hawk.

4/9/07

Immobilized

You picked a fine time to balance mobiles. I don't know if Al (Sandy) Calder ever visited Alabama, but his art works are pronounced the same as the city of Mobile, AL. True, the word mobile is usually pronounced like Mobil Oil whenever it is capable of being moved from place to place or marked by the easy intermixing of different social groups. [In our current mobile society more and more people appreciate Calder's mobiles.] But when you are talking about a type of sculpture consisting of parts that move in response to air currents, PLEASE think of Lucille or Loose Wheel:

You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille,
With four hungry children and a crop in the field.
I've had some bad times, lived through some sad times,
But this time your hurting won't heal.
You picked a fine time to leave me, Lucille.




A Calder mobile at the University of Arkansas art department. And no, it isn't "400 children"! It would be really difficult to balance all those kids, let alone hang them from the ceiling.



© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

4/3/07

Hula hoops vs. Embroidery hoops on Field 3 or Mamas vs. Dopplers

Mama is versing a hail storm tonight. Am I singing Our National Anthem at a Rangers' game in Arlington? No. Am I doing a dramatic dance with filmy scarves about that fundamental theme of literature, Man vs. Nature, as taught to me by Miss Madsen on a day when she wasn't throwing dictionaries? No. Were the Mamas scheduled to play the Storm before the game was rained out? Is this the Old Mama and the Sea? No:

O’er the ramparts we watched, were so gallantly streaming?
And the rockets’ red glare, the bombs bursting in air...

The sky is yellow-gray here, not red. I'm watching o'er the back fence instead of the ramparts or the backstop as the hail pounds down. True, there's not as much water gallantly streaming down my furnace as there was during Friday night's storm, but it's still a bigger condo roof leak than acceptable.

The kids on the playground were talking about the soccer teams they'll be "versing" this weekend. It's one of those mangled usages that makes Collage Mama more volatile than any Texas hail storm--in the same category as people chewing toothpicks in public, and men wearing hats indoors. What they do in their own trailer homes is their concern, but out here in the wide world they better cut it out before Collage Mama shows up on Doppler weather radar. We're talking Eye of the hurricane versing Hell hath no fury!

versing
To describe an athletic contest between two teams, particulary if it involves a Mets team, or a college football team.Who are you versing tonight in the baseball contest? competing, playing against. Derived from the common term "vs." in video games where choices are either 1 Player or 2 Player (commonly listed as "vs."). This usage, while considered incorrect by many, is extremely common with young people due to their familiarity with video games.The Lions are versing the Packers on Sunday.

verse
c.1050, "line or section of a psalm or canticle," later "line of poetry" (c.1369), from Anglo-Fr. and O.Fr. vers, from L. versus "verse, line of writing," from PIE base *wer- "to turn, bend" (see versus). The metaphor is of plowing, of "turning" from one line to another (vertere = "to turn") as a plowman does. O.E. had fers, an early W.Gmc. borrowing directly from L. Meaning "metrical composition" is recorded from c.1300; sense of "part of a modern pop song" (as distinguished from the chorus) is attested from 1927. The English N.T. first divided fully into verses in the Geneva version (1551).

versus
1447, in legal case names, denoting action of one party against another, from L. versus "turned toward or against," from pp. of vertere "to turn," from PIE *wert- "to turn, wind," from base *wer- "to turn, bend" (cf. O.E. -weard "toward," originally "turned toward," weorthan "to befall," wyrd "fate, destiny," lit. "what befalls one;" Skt. vartate "turns round, rolls;" Avestan varet- "to turn;" L. vertere (freq. versare) "to turn;" O.C.S. vruteti "to turn, roll," Rus. vreteno "spindle, distaff;" Lith. verciu "to turn;" Gk. rhatane "stirrer, ladle;" Ger. werden, O.E. weorðan "to become," for sense, cf. "to turn into;" Welsh gwerthyd "spindle, distaff;" O.Ir. frith "against").
anniversary
c.1230, from L. anniversarius "returning annually," from annus "year" (see annual) + versus, pp. of vertere "to turn" (see versus). The adj. came to be used as a noun in Church L. as anniversaria (dies) in ref. to saints' days.

Don't you dare forget your anniversary while you are versing Cletus in the watermelon spitting contest! And don't stanza close to me.

One of the most common manifestations of stanzaic form in poetry in English (and in other Western-European languages) is represented in texts for church hymns, such as the first three stanzas (of nine) from a poem by Isaac Watts (from 1719) cited immediately below (in this case, each stanza is to be sung to the same hymn-tune, composed earlier by William Croft in 1708):

Our God, our help in ages past,
Our hope for years to come,
Our shelter from the stormy blast,
And our eternal condo.

stanza
"group of rhymed verse lines," 1588, from It. stanza "verse of a poem," originally "standing, stopping place," from V.L. *stantia "a stanza of verse," so called from the stop at the end of it, from L. stans (gen. stantis), prp. of stare "to stand" (see stet).

Not to be confused with:

Hold me closer, Tony Danza; count the head lice on the highway.

3/28/07

My Two Front Teeth

Dear Blogger.com,

I've figured out what I really want for Christmas, or much sooner. Pretend I'm editing posts and ready to add the labels. At the bottom of the form, you see the SAVE AS DRAFT and the PUBLISH buttons. Just above them are the Post Options, then Labels for this post: e.g. scooters, vacation, fall. This always distracts me. Did I fall off the scooter on vacation, or did I take that scooter vacation in the fall? Was it like Arte Johnson riding the tricycle on "Laugh In"? Did I crash the scooter into a post because I had no options?

Back on track, I start typing in the labels for my post in that long, skinny rectangle. Last thing in that row is Show all to open a list of all my blog's labels in alphabetical order. This, my dear Blogger.com, is where I want a choice. I want to click Show all for alphabetical order, then be able to click again for Show all by frequency. Then I could decide if I wanted to add more general labels, or something more specific. Right now I've got about a blogillion labels. Like any library subject cataloger, I'm trying to make those labels more useful. Is a label with 123 posts useful? Is a label with one esoteric post useful to the reader? I have 123 posts about art class projects, but a reader might be looking for the seventeen posts about using paper towel tubes, or the one clay project related to leprechauns for ages 3-4. If I could Show all first alphabetically, then by frequency, I could see that the best label would be Preschool art class projects.

And so, fondest Blogger.com, that is my wish. I want to click once for alphabetical order, and twice for frequency. It's just so Paul Reveresque. One if by land and two if by sea, and I on the opposite shore will be having a really bad flashback battle of the bands between the young Motown Michael Jackson and Jackson 5 wailing about ABC, one two three", and Alvin & the Chipmunks chirping out "All I want for Christmas is my two front teeth."

Meanwhile, impatient to mount and ride,

Booted and spurred, with a heavy stride

On the opposite shore walked Paul Revere.

Now he patted his horse's side,

Now he gazed at the landscape far and near,

Then, impetuous, stamped the earth,

And turned and tightened his saddle girth;

But mostly he watched with eager search

The belfry tower of the Old North Church,

As it rose above the graves on the hill,

Lonely and spectral and sombre and still.

And lo! as he looks, on the belfry's height

A glimmer, and then a gleam of light!

He springs to the saddle, the bridle he turns,

But lingers and gazes, till full on his sight

A second lamp in the belfry burns.

Koo-koo-ka-choo, Mr. Longfellow,
Bloggers loves you more than you will know.
God bless you, please, Mr. Longfellow.
Heaven holds a place for those who pray,
Hey, hey, hey


© 2007 Nancy L. Ruder

9/12/06

Tom Dooley

My brother is replacing doors at his house. This has brought on another attack of unrelenting lyrics. Mr. Peabody and Sherman are ready to travel back to those glorious mid-Sixties, to the Smothers Brothers Comedy Hour, when acoustic folk artists could be found on prime time network television. Imagine it! They were just singing, not dancing with the stars or bumping each other off an island! Those were the days of the Kingston Trio, Joan Baez, Judy Collins, Pete Seeger, the Weavers, Peter, Paul, & Mary...

The Kingston Trio recorded "Tom Dooley" in 1958. The record's enormous popularity fueled the folk music revival:

Frank Warner/John Lomax/Alan Lomax
(Spoken recitation over musical accompaniment)
Throughout history, there have been many songs written about the eternal triangle. This next one tells the story of Mister Grayson, a beautiful woman, and a condemned man named Tom Dooley. When the sun rises tomorrow, Tom Dooley must hang.
Chorus:
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. Hang down your head and cry.
Hang down your head, Tom Dooley. Poor boy, you're bound to die.
I met her on the mountain. There I took her life. Met her on the mountain. Stabbed her with my knife.
(Chorus)
This time tomorrow. Reckon where I'll be. Hadn't-a been for Grayson, I'd-a been in Tennessee.
(Chorus)
This time tomorrow. Reckon where I'll be. Down in some lonesome valley hangin' from a white oak tree.
(Chorus)


My brain is singing a variant version:

Hang up your doors, Clint Dudley
Hang up your drawers to dry
Hang up your doors, Clint Dudley,
Oh Lord, I'm going to cry.


The real Clint Dudley is hazy in the elementary school memory. So, too, the real Tom Dula story is obscured in the many versions of the traditional North Carolina ballad. Clint was the cutest boy in sixth grade. The vote was unanimous. Clint had a drop-dead smile, a good passing arm, and he wore his Levis in a way any female could appreciate, even though we sixth grade girls weren't sure just exactly what we were appreciating. Clint moved away after that school year, and he never returned. But that's another Kingston Trio song about the M.T.A.:

Well, let me tell you of the story of a man named Charlie
On a tragic and fateful day
He put ten cents in his pocket, kissed his wife and family
Went to ride on the MTA

Well did he ever return, no he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (what a pity)
He may ride forever 'neath the streets of Boston
He's the man who never returned

"Tom Dooley" is on page eighteen of Teacher's Choice for the Young Pianist , arranged by Allan Small, copyright 1965. I didn't like practicing piano for my sixth grade lessons. I've saved this piano book for forty years, though.

8/26/06

Wasting away again in Bloggeritaville

The Dewey Decimal side of my brain craves subject classifications easily accessed for my blog (and every other blog in this great land of ours.)

The librarian is dead. Long live the librarian! It shouldn't be all that difficult to sort the blog, but I seem to be wandering about in the dark, musty, old stacks without my library card, instead of quickly downloading a free service and immediately bringing order out of chaos.

This Itty Bitty Blog will just have to keep flowing along in stream-of-conscious mode. I'm searching for my lost shaker of salt. I've wasted way too much time trying out Del.icio.us and Technorati Tags for subject classifications. There will be no frozen cataloging concoctions tonight. This blog will have to keep simmering in the primordial stew crockpot, much as it pains me. Jimmy Buffett must not have any librarian ancestors:

But there's booze in the blender
And soon it will render
That frozen concoction that helps me hang on


Wasting a day again in Bloggeritaville
Searching for my lost catalog cards
Grouping my little posts in tiny subject groups
I bjust know it shouldn't be all that hard

8/10/06

"What's that aftershave you're wearing?"

I'm going to a big happening tomorrow, by my standards, so I had my hair repaired last evening--sort of a lube and tune, with a Maaco $39.99 paint job. It's sad that I put beauty treatments in the same mental category as oil changes.

Under the hot dryer for prolonged periods of Hot Carnuba hair reconditioning, I got to fantasizing about a Sam and Janet Evening with Prince Charming and glass slippers. Across a crowded room Emile de Becque asked me, "What's that fragrance you're wearing?"

"What's that aftershave you're wearing?," was the slogan for Hai Karate t.v. commercials back in my Wonder Bread years. Nerdy guys wearing dork glasses required martial arts training to fight off over-sexed chicks in a memorable ad campaign. Hai Karate was up against the Mennen Skin Bracer ads involving a slap, and a "Thanks, I needed that!"

That fragrance I'm wearing is actually Aroma de Fabric Crayon Drawings. My students use Crayola Fabric Crayons to make a drawing, and I iron the drawing onto their tie-dyed camp t-shirts. After ironing fifty-six transfers, I can't get that smell out of my head..., or my clothes, or my hair! Will Emile de Becque whisper in my ear that I smell just like an unairconditioned first grade classroom when second semester used to last well into June? Grilled Binney & Smith with hints of dried bath towel! Great. I could probably attract some sixty-ish male who never quite got over the crush on his first-grade teacher!

My hair looks like it was transformed with Crayola Multicultural Washable Markers (aka brown felt pens). I've got your raw sienna, burnt sienna, raw umber, burnt umber, and yellow ochre!




The fabric crayon instructions:

Turn crayon drawings into colorful fabric art. Simply draw with these special formula crayons (on paper). Iron onto fabric for brilliant, permanent fabric designs. Works best on white fabric, synthetic blends.

Use to make personalized T-shirts, fabric quilts, tablecloths, pillowcases, banners, kites, aprons, scarves, kitchen accessories, and holiday decorations. Drawing, rubbings, stenciling and lettering techniques are easy to do.

8-count box contains: magenta, violet, burnt sienna, blue, orange, green, black and yellow.

Please have an adult use the iron.

I'm that adult.

Knock! Knock! Who's there?
Sam and Janet! Sam and Janet who?
Sam and Janet evening?

Emile:
Some enchanted evening
When you find your true love,
When you feel her call you
Across a crowded room,
Then fly to her side,
And make her your own
For all through your life you
May dream all alone.

Nellie:
Once you have found her,
Never let her go.

Emile:
Once you have found her,
Never let her go!

Collagemama:
Once you have colored it,
Never let it grow!