L-RAT, the Bad Dreams Exam

Part One

  1. Did you ever find, at an inopportune moment, that the sheet of dryer Bounce you didn't know was inside your clean slacks when you put them on in the morning had now worked its way down to the bottom of your pant leg and was hanging out looking ever so much like toilet paper? Oh, come on! Admit it.
  2. How do you feel about rodents? (in 100 words or less)
  3. It is the Super Bowl of the Animal Kingdom. The Rodents are playing the Reptiles. Who will you cheer on to victory and why? (100 word essay)
Part Two
Some children are traumatized by the death of Bambi's mother, the flying monkeys in the "Wizard of Oz", or pretty much the entire Disney "Pinocchio". Other children wait in dread for that scene in everybody's Christmas ballet favorite, "The Nutcracker", when THE MICE COME IN.
  1. Do they ever get over it?
  2. What would be a good age to introduce these classics to children, assuming that you actually like children?
  3. What would be a good age to introduce these classics assuming you are the parent who has to get up in the night with children experiencing bad dreams?
Part Three

  1. Did you see your first Indiana Jones movie before or after you read George Orwell's classic novel of totalitarianism, "1984"?
  2. Did you actually read books in your high school English class, or did you watch videos?
  3. Did you ever thank your English teachers for making you read those books that you swore were of absolutely no use in real life, but now come to mind far more often than Iron Butterfly's "In-A-Gadda-Da-Vida"? It's not too late!
  4. As a child, did you have a neighbor that you suspected of being the real farmer's wife who cut off the tails of the three blind mice?
Science Section
  1. Why can't rats be more like lemmings? [Alas, lemmings don't really jump off cliffs.]
  2. Where can a condominium complex rent a live rat snake? Herpe-Rent-All?
  3. Will rat snakes also eat dachsunds and poodles if they get really hungry?
  4. Is that a bad thing?
  5. Do you remember when we had enough mental energy to worry about hantavirus back in the Nineties?
  6. Should lab rats have to run through mazes, or should they get to drive in the HOV lane?
Arts and Literature
  1. If the Pied Piper showed up in your neighborhood would you make him/her the Mayor?
  2. Will Samuel Jackson star in the new film, "Rats on a Cruise", about a diabolical plot onboard a Disney cruise ship?
  3. Would you put up with a few rats to sail with Captain Jack Sparrow?
  4. What percentage of books in the children's room of your local public library are about rodents?*
  5. Why did Jack put a sack of malt in his new-built house? What was he thinking??
Television Regulations
Many cable tv systems have a basic channel that is nothing but a camera on an aquarium of fish swimming around to music from a local radio station. This allows viewers to enjoy the sensation of being in their dentist's waiting room any hour of the day or night.
  1. Should the FCC require cable systems to also offer a Habitrail hamster and gerbil channel with local radio traffic reports in the spirit of fair and balanced reporting?
  2. Should there be a reality show based on Mother Goose rhymes? Seems like Simple Simon stepped right out of a Seinfeld episode.
So, there I was getting ready to board the airplane, but there was something inside the sleeve of my sweatshirt. I reached in to pull out the sheet of Bounce, but pulled out a mouse instead. There was more wiggling inside the sleeve near my elbow. It slowly worked its way to the cuff, revealing another mouse. I was unable to board the plane as I had to have the bites treated. Nevermind the part of the dream about my ex not allowing enough time to check in the rental car, speaking of rodents.
Since I was already sweaty after my dork walk through 2.8 miles of the neighborhood, I attacked the overgrown vegetation around my patio. The cannas, ivy, and myrtle groundcover have not been affected by our watering restrictions this dry summer. They grew as thick as ever, providing a shady, protected commute for rodents racing between one neighbor's dog food bowl and another's bird feeder. I haven't hand-watered out back since mid-July, but the cannas had more red blooms enticing more hummingbirds than usual. After the mice-in-the-sweatshirt dream, it was time to make the patio a more dangerous crossing for rodents. They can run, but they can't hide. Plus, it makes it easier to watch the lizards leaping from leaf to fence. Go, Reptiles, Go!
*Library Catalog Search Results
I used my public library keyword search with "juvenile" as the Keyword Anywhere, and the animal name as the Subject Keyword.
Juvenile + = 105373 titles (the maximum allowed by the catalog search)
Juvenile + Mice = 1207 titles
Juvenile + Mouse = 894
Juvenile + Rats = 173
Juvenile + Rat = 165
Juvenile + Hamster = 70
Juvenile + Gerbil = 23
Juvenile + Lemming = 6
Juvenile + Bears = 1721
Juvenile + Bear = 1497
Juvenile + Lion = 320
Juvenile + Fox = 440
Juvenile + Cat = 1518
Juvenile + Dog = 2108
Juvenile + Rabbit = 644
Juvenile + Rabbits = 894

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

The correct answers to #4 on the Science section is "No". I have lived with a dachshund, and I am qualified to give this answer.


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