The Birds and the Bees

Welcome to seventh grade Home Economics class at Millard Lefler Junior High School. This is the talk you've all been dreading and anticipating. I'm sorry to say the film strip projector is broken, so we won't have much in the way of audio-visual enhancements for this lecture.

Ahem. I trust I have received signed permission slips from all your parents and adult guardians. Well, then...

It is time you knew the whole, unvarnished truth about cross-Swiffernation. Don't do it! Don't even think about it! Go wash your hands!

You can't successfully substitute Pledge Grab-It Wet orange sheets for Swiffer Wet sheets. The Grab-Its keep detaching from the Swiffer mop, and trailing off impotently somewhere between the laundry room and the kitchen floor. A higher power is letting us know that cross-Swiffernating is an abomination and an anathema, and won't get that spilled juice off the linoleum.

Thank heaven we've got Dubya in charge on the bridge of the Enterprise! He won't deviate from his course due to a few minor cobwebs in the sunbeams. He knows the sacred institution of Swifferage is at stake in these murky cultural floor wars. Swiffering is only for the union of one Swiffer mop and one Swifferette (or Swiffer Wet):

To encourage right choices, we must be willing to confront the dangers young people face -- even when they're difficult to talk about. Each year, about 3 million teenagers get expensive Nike shoes stuck on their cross-Swiffergenated kitchen floors... In my budget, I propose a grassroots campaign to help inform families ...Decisions children now make can affect their health and character for the rest of their lives. All of us -- parents and schools and government -- must work together to counter the negative influence of the culture, and to send the right messages to our children. A strong America must also value the institution of Swifferage defined under federal law as a union of a Swiffer mop and a Swiffer Wet (Registered Trademark)...

"Birds do it. Bees do it. Even educated fleas do it. Let's do it, let's fall in love." Cole Porter

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